I was in a meeting about local traffic issues a few days ago, a group that I’ve been involved in since 2009 and chair of since 2010 ish or so. So I know a fair bit about (to say the least) about the issues involved.
We were having a discussion about some of the problems that a recent survey that the school had and I happened to mention that there was a sum of money in the s106 for a current local development that would seemed to fit the bill. The conversation then went like this. (I know this off by heart)
Me. There is 50k available.
Other Person: No, its only 30K.
Me: No, its 50K
OP: No, its 30.
Me::backing down:: Well there’s some money available.
Came out of the meeting. And was so irritated by this exchange (given the recent history of being constantly undermined and every move of mine being questioned by certain people for the last six months) that I just had to go and check the documents (even though I know I’m right) and guess what I was right – so of course this resulted in a snarky email being sent out, not quite in the tone of *I wuz right and you wuz wrong* but near enough. And then I’ve spent the last 24 hours being worried and fed up about my reaction. *sigh*
Its a situation that constantly crops up – not so much in my personal life – but in my outer life in the community, there is someone who always knows better but actually doesn’t – and I still fundamentally don’t have a clue about how to deal with this at all.
I know it comes down to self esteem. I remember being told on one of my student midwife placements (when we did a dual night / day placement on he same unit) by the night staff that I didn’t have enough confidence in myself and then by the day staff six weeks later, that I was over confident.
I can never get it right it seems … Whatever ‘it’ is.
Sorry about the ramble – just expressing where my head has been for the last few days. I hate these times when I never feel quite ‘good enough’ or even know what that is.